I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
