I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
