WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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