you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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