Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
