Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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