there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
