so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
