I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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