if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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