The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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