i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
