her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
