he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
