So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
