Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just puked most of my soul out..
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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