it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
