He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
