I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think I sprained my soul last night
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
