well I can't set my house on fire every night
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
