nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
