This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
