forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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