my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
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Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
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I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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