I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
