And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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