I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
