Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
