Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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