WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
