I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
