using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
