if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
