how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It was confusing and full of hummus
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
