and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
this boner is exhausting
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
