just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
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I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
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I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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