The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
