why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
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My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
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I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He shit in the fireplace
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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