he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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