it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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