bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
one might say we're banned from that church
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
