you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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