the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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