I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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