I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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