I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
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He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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