We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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