She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
