The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
