Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
