I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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