Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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