I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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