I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
