she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
