I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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